Niceness vs. Authenticity

“When there is nothing about you or anyone else that you are afraid to look at, 

the darkness has no more power over you”.

Paul Ferrini (Everyday Wisdom).

Arwen Barr 2012

How do we address the unease that arises when we feel deep dislike for certain kinds of people? Perhaps we don’t even know them, but we feel anger and hostility coming off them in waves and our usual ways of coping just don’t apply.

Most of us know the discomfort we feel when another person seems aloof, self centered and sometimes mean or vindictive. No matter how friendly we are they remain unaffected. Our niceness just doesn't cut it.

This brings the issue of authenticity clearly into focus. Are we remaining true to ourselves or projecting our own unhealed parts onto the person and acting as if it were true? There is difference. The coldness we experience just might be an aspect of a frozen part of our own psyche.

Deep down we feel cut off from our One-ness with others and ourselves and the feeling of self-betrayal leaves us feeling helpless and angry. Just how did we get off track anyway? One solution is to sit with the unease and notice what it is triggering within us.

As Annie notes: “We welcome back that part … that believes it made a big mistake, is cut off from love, and deserves to be punished.  Our role is to see it, acknowledge it, listen to it, soften towards it, open to joining with it, offer to feel it fully, and embrace it as we would a long-lost best friend.   And in this willingness to surrender resistance, this opening to unconditional love, we invite and patiently await the voice of authenticity to guide our insights and actions.”

Yes, it’s a tall order to admit that our dislikes of others stem from our dislike of aspects of ourselves. We turn the hour-glass over and acknowledge that we must be willing to give up every strategy we think might make us popular, likeable, or socially acceptable and toss niceness out with the rest of the illusions.

It is only by embracing our wholeness that we can feel our True Self beckoning. In sitting with our authenticity we may decide to walk away and be unconcerned about the outcome of the situation. We may feel the need to speak out. Either way, the choice that leaves us feeling authentic is the one that moves away from the turmoil of the ‘shoulds’ and towards a deeper sense of satisfaction and inner peace.

Melanie  

The Path of Deepening Authenticity

 “You come to harmony with others not through conformity, but through authenticity. 

When you have the courage to be yourself, you find the highest truth you are capable of receiving.
That truth is what enables you to reach across the aisle to your brother or sister.

You do not have to agree with others to value them and respect them.
Because you accept your own uniqueness, you can honour the unique path that others take.
Finding the truth in yourself, you recognize it when you see it manifest in others.”

Paul Ferrini (Everyday Wisdom).

The Path of Deepening Authenticity

(Part 2 of 3 of “Why Authenticity?”)

So if being fake brings unease and authenticity brings peace, what fool would keep choosing to fake it?  Apparently most of us most of the time! Whether consciously or unconsciously, we seem to prefer unease or dis-ease, even if we adamantly deny it. Sounds like another layer of self-deception? Certainly confusion.

So much confusion. 

How then do we get real?  How do we distinguish the true from the false, the authentic from the inauthentic?  For me, it is certainly a journey, a deepening process of discernment. 

Surely we all know the excruciating guilt of feeling we have not been true to ourselves. We are often haunted by it. Well, what if all disquiet is at root the pain of self-betrayal? If our truth is oneness, then all attack, all judgement, all rivalry, all resistance, all separation from perceived “other” is an act of self-betrayal because it feels like we are betraying our oneness. And we feel really bad about it even if we don't immediately recognize why we feel bad.

Our first line of defense is typically to blame someone else. If only he or she were different, then I could feel whole again. And then there are those of us whose torment takes the form of scapegoating our own perceived wrong-doing.  Our mind flits around and spots, say, the time I was unkind to so-and-so (substitute the gazillion possible scapegoats and false idols we could adopt). It becomes an “idée-fixe” circling round and round in the mind endlessly. It exhausts us; it reduces us to despair.  The blame, the guilt, the shame seem relentless, and underneath it is the sinking conviction we must be unredeemable.

Even the quest for authenticity, like anything, can be co-opted by ego, and become a tyrant:  “I can't move forward for fear of committing the ultimate sin: being inauthentic!”

What I didn't understand for a long time is that feeling bad is actually, in a funny sort of way, a good thing. Guilt, shame, grief, anxiety are our allies if we understand them to be red flags of our inauthenticity.  What if that is their only significance? What if the pang or stab of guilt is just a scalpel that points out our fakery?  What if the nausea and lightheadedness of anxiety are simply serving notice that we have chosen the separated state of ego-land again?

So we have a great system for discerning between the inauthentic and the authentic.  Unease is the hallmark of faking it.  Peace is the hallmark of authenticity.  Our job is always and only to restore our peace.  Spirit guides with peace.  The absence of peace is the tip-off that we have strayed from the path of authenticity.  What I am learning is that nothing but this is going on.  All the complexity and confusion is simply losing sight of the truth of this.

So what does restoring our peace actually look like?  How do we go about it?

(to be continued)

Annie

10 March 2013

Speaking my Truth, study 1

The Path of Deepening Authenticity

(Part 3 of “Why Authenticity?”)

So, what does restoring our peace and living authentically actually look like?  How do we go about it?

First, I would say, it is helpful to be clear on the one and only equation:  all my disquiet boils down, beneath all the projections onto scapegoats, to the belief that I committed the ultimate sin, betrayed my oneness. I have betrayed love and the only fit punishment is to be cut off from love, terminally ostracized, and soldier on alone. Understandably this feels really bad, so bad that I would do just about anything not to feel it or look at it. This, I am learning, is the equation to be kept clear. Nothing else is going on.

Second, from the platform (or altar) of present moment awareness, that is, a palpable resting in the

Here and Now (the only place we experience oneness, true joining, non-separation, Christ awareness, authentic guidance), I welcome the disquiet that it is so tempting to resist (and its apparent source, be it an unfaithful friend, a cheating partner, an illness, financial scarcity, etc.). This does not mean I welcome misforture; it means I welcome back that part of me that believes it made a big mistake, is cut off from love, and deserves to be punished.  My role is to see it, acknowledge it, listen to it, soften towards it,  open to joining with it, offer to feel it fully, and embrace it as I would a long-lost best friend.   And in this willingness to surrender resistance, this opening to unconditional love, I invite and patiently await the voice of authenticity to guide my insights and actions.  

Now this does not mean “anything goes.”  Authentic action or insight means discerning the false from the true, not assuming that because everything is “Love and Light,” I should accept it all. Afterall the “should-word” is a dead give-away of inauthenticity. As Byron Katie so wisely observes, we can't act from a place beyond our own evolution.  That is the journey.  Not to fake it.  Not to hurry past our lessons, our forgiveness opportunities, our grievances. If we are not authentically ready or inclined to understand or do something at a felt level, that's okay, that's precisely what we are being asked to discern:  what is it that truly offers us the juiciness of authenticity, not the sterility of fakery? What truly lights our fire?  What is our passion?  What is nourishing, not wearying?  What is whole-hearted, not faint-hearted?  What is unforced, not efforted?  What is empowering and resonant with authority?

This path, between disquiet and fakery, on one hand, and authenticity and peace, on the other, is, it seems to me, the cutting edge of our healing and growing awareness and trust.

Annie

14 March 2013

  

.

Why Authenticity?

So why is authenticity significant? What IS authenticity?  And what does practicing authenticity even look like? These are among the questions that we come back to again and again in our Lighttree circle.

For starters, there are clearly some things that authenticity is not.  If there is a “should” anywhere in sight, anywhere in one's decision-making equation, it's a great tip-off that ego, not spirit or inspiration or guidance or true knowing (whatever you want to call it) is in the driver's seat. If you catch any whiff of “I should do something because I owe her, I want to appear to be a good citizen, I'll feel guilty if I don't, etc.,”it's a great opportunity to stop and inquire into what's going on here.

Another great tip-off that inauthenticity is calling the shots is the urge to “people-please,” a variation of that seductive urge to “sweep something under the rug.”  And then there's that big one: the temptation to fake how “enlightened,” aware, loving one is on the “noble”grounds that, well, I should suck back my anger, grief, sadness, and just be loving (as if when we are faking it we can even attune to what love what look like in a particular situation).

And the list grows, I find, as I become more aware of the slyness of ego/fear at masquerading behind the various identities I cling to in order to try and feel more safe.

Another way I can spot inauthenticity or fakeness is that lousy feeling of self-betrayal, whether it expresses as mild unease or a full-blown melt-down, in which I invariably make someone else or something else a scapegoat for my own discontent.  But even if I manage to pretend most of the time and blame something other than myself for my unease, I, like us all, have those moments of clarity when I know it is me who is the problem:  I have not been true or authentic in a particular situation and it is that that is tormenting me.  In A Course in Miracles terms, the reason inauthenticity feels so bad, is that we are “reliving” the excruciating guilt we feel at imagining ourselves as separate from our truth, from our oneness with all that is. Put another way:  if our truth is oneness then, of course, it feels like self-betrayal when we act from what we believe to be a separated place.

And the way we recognize authenticity is the peace it brings.

(to be continued) 

Annie

28 February 2013

Masquerade

“The chemistry of mind is different from the chemistry of love. The mind is careful, suspicious, he advances little by little. He advices “Be careful, protect yourself” Whereas love says “Let yourself, go!” The mind is strong, never fells down, while love hurts itself, fells into ruins. But isn’t it in ruins that we mostly find the treasures? A broken heart hides so many treasures.”

~ Shams Tabrizi

Quan Yin

This week our dear friend and Mighty Companion Linda Nicol, offers up this wonderful and illuminating poem. She is one who has walked through the fire and come through unscathed because of her deep comitment to understanding that love is real and fear is not.

Masquerade

Love requires no gilded invitation to the ball for it is woven throughout the fabric of the party, embracing all.

Fear, invited in, attends constantly wearing countless, varied masks. Anger is itsʼ favourite and most spectacular costume; a peacock strutting itsʼ plumage, obscuring all.

In its many forms Fear leaps chaotically, grandly, loudly, and then with great vigour, plays with mortal selves whilst glaring at the shiny, waxed floor, demanding attention.

Love is only capable of showing its true self as It glides through the masses bringing Joy and Peace. Gentle undulations of a never-ending waltz fill the room; oft hid beneath the frantic bustle of the party.

The multiplicity of dancers dazzle the sole pair of gazing eyes. Life is the grandest masquerade but in the shadows of our illusions, the dance quiets.

Mask-less, we find the maker of our dream.

Come. See.

An authentic life

“Your nature is truth, and when you oppose it, you don’t feel like yourself. Stress never feels as natural as peace does.”

Byron Katie (Loving What Is, 2002).

Tsum Valley, Nepal by Julia Day 2012

Our recent discussions at The Light Tree have revolved around what happens when we attempt to live an authentic life while living in the ‘real’ world. It can be a challenge to stay in the peace of our true nature and live from there with complete trust. Demands from the world quickly emerge to distract us in one form or another.

The conflict between our desire for inner peace and the need to jump up and fix something are often at odds with each other. How do we stay authentic in our relationships while staying true to ourselves?

Sometimes the belief that our spiritual life is separate from our daily life can cause us to lose our center. We find ourselves trying to attend to both aspects of our seeming needs and desires. We feel we need to choose one over the other. Maybe we give up the yoga, the book club, or the painting class in order to take care of our worldly demands when the discomfort of our inner conflict is too great.

But what if we could just use our internal barometer to notice our reactions to thoughts and choose from that place? What if we stood firm and stopped betraying our inner wisdom in order to keep the ‘external’ peace. The anxiety calms down temporarily when we give in to the worlds demands, but the gnawing sensations continue…

Maybe we can just stay present until we get a clear yes, a sense of opening to life. Perhaps the only choice we need to make is the one that gives us a deeper sense of happiness and fulfillment. Ego will always find way to keep us running and second guessing ourselves. Something or someone will appear to keep the guilt running.

In the end, there is only Truth, only Presence. The other stuff is temporary and passes away as swiftly as the clouds move through the sky. We can commit to be one with the sky, the eternal, unchanging ever-present moment. If it doesn’t work out every time, that’s ok. There are no mistakes and we can’t get it wrong. There are just more opportunities to practice.

If there is anything to ‘do’ it is simply this: commit to authenticity in all our daily activities. Learn to say no gracefully. Be determined to practice kindness and compassion with everyone we meet.  If we stray, find ways to restore peace by staying with what gives us joy.  After all, we are all in this together, walking each other home one small step at a time. 

Projection

 “I have given everything I see… all the meaning it has for me”

A Course in Miracles. (Lesson 2).

Lotus by Simon

One of our guiding principles at Light Tree is that elements of Truth can be found among most spiritual traditions and modern thought systems. It is helpful when a principle repeats itself across a variety of traditions; this usually reveals an aspect of universal truth that is worth paying attention to.

For example, Buddhism, modern psychology and A Course in Miracles discuss the idea that humans tend to project seeming unpleasant thoughts outward on to others. Projection appears to be a common way in which aspects of our mind can be viewed when we look at people and places that seem to be apart from us.

If we are sincere about self exploration, the easiest way to see what is going on within our mind is to notice what is being projected outward onto the screen we see all around us. The projections are merely neutral, but we create our own meaning based on our past experience. They serve to show us the places that are yet to be healed from guilt and fear.

Many of our projections seem to revolve around ideas of guilt and unworthiness. When we perceive any kind of scarcity or ugliness outside ourselves we can be pretty sure it’s our own mind showing us places of fear. We often judge and label others when all we are seeing are aspects of ourselves that are crying out for acceptance.

This is why it is important to dwell in equanimity and forgive ourselves for believing in the illusions we have created. We may have believed that fear keeps us safe in some way, but in reality it is only by bringing gentle awareness to these frightened parts of ourselves that we can find real peace.

The key word is gentle. Our terrified inner self will only relax and open to healing if it does not feel rushed or threatened. Anger and threat of punishment only make it hide or lash out in defensiveness.

If we are ruthless at all, it is in our determination to see what is true and apply all our resources to send love to that frozen part. When we start to thaw these aspects of ourselves that seem cut off from the rest, we find the deep peace that is part of our wholeness. We know ourselves to be worthy and invulnerable when we hold our projections with ‘utmost gentle affection’ and are willing to see ourselves in a new light.  

Love Without Conditions

“When you establish conditions on love, you experience the conditions, not the love”

From Everyday Wisdom by Paul Ferrini

Esquimalt 2013

This week at Light Tree we looked deeply and noticed that we had surrounded ourselves by a fortress of things we believed made us safe or comfortable in some way. While this may be helpful in the short term, it does not help us to undo our dependence on external objects to make us feel happy and secure.

We became aware that our relationship to these ‘good things’ such as special food, clothing, people, animals, cars etc. are all ways we think we keep ourselves safe. While we believed that we were embracing life as fully as possible, in reality we were making sure we were doing it from a place of familiarity and safety. This kind of thinking comes from the ‘little me’ or ego self which is limited in perception and feels utterly powerless, despite its efforts to appear tough and in control.

This is why it is important to keep the practice of resting in the peace of our True Nature at the forefront of our endeavour to find real happiness. We cannot pick and choose only the good bits. This only leads to an endless cycle of desire and disappointment. We can only move through life loving and blessing everything that comes into our awareness while forgiving ourselves for believing that the seemingly undesirable has any real power to hurt us.

We are learning to live life without conditions. When start to notice that we only want something for what fleeting happiness it might bring us we can simply sit back and be curious. What seems to be charming me into believing it has special powers, when in fact it has no real ability to bring lasting happiness and peace?

We don’t need to feel guilty when we are fooled, once again, into riding the merry-go-round of desire and disappointment. It’s only another opportunity to heal a confused part of our mind. We don’t have to engage with it, or try to tweak it somehow. We simply notice and let it go with compassion and forgiveness.

This is the power of resting in our creator, however we might perceive them. When we remember that we are part of a cosmic whole that supports and sustains each breath, we do not need to love with a vast range of conditions and preferences.

Its all ok, nothing is missing that needs our ‘little me’ to try and fix or improve it in some way. We can surrender to what feels true in our hearts and let go of the rest. We are unconcerned about outcomes because we know it’s handled by something wiser and greater. What a relief!

We can relax and be at peace, anywhere, anytime. No conditions required.